Silver Haze
by OptimusPrime217
Summary: A new drug craze has hit the comic book world and it's taking it by storm. Watch as an alcoholic forced to give up his one true love of beer visit a whole new world and a lonely hero gets the girl of his fantasies. Warning: harsh language and drug use.
1. Chapter 1

The day is normal as it'll ever be in the Marvel Quick Stop. Spider-man & Deadpool, the only workers at the store, are having their usual sick conversation.

"Dude, that's not true." said Spider-man.

"It is so true." replied Deadpool.

"Deadpool, you can not have butt-sex with the Juggernaut and hope to live." explained Spider-man.

"Jubilee had butt sex with the Juggernaut."

"Jubilee's dead!" yelled Spider-man,"And when they found her body, her vaginal and anal areas were stretched so far apart that she died after she was buttfucked from blood loss."

"Then where's the Juggernaut?" asked Deadpool curiously.

"He's on the run from the law again." answered Spider-man.

"Then how did She-Hulk survive bu-" began Deadpool before Spider-man cuts him off by putting his hand over Deadpool's mouth.

"Don't you ever, EVER mention that horrible name!" said a scared Spider-man "Remember what she did to your sex drive."

Deadpool's face begins to scrunch up as if he's about to cry but Spider-man straightens him up by elbowing him.

"Shape up customer,customer." commanded Spider-man. The customer comes in and it turns out to be Iron Man, who now has a bright light, like the one on his chest, coming out of his liver area and he looks depressed.

"Iron Man, you're alive!" said Spider-man.

"Yeah, my liver exploded but they inserted a metallical one so I could live." explained Iron Man.

"Oh, well even with your new liver you know the rules." Spider-man pointed to a sign saying "DO NOT SELL BEER TO" with Iron Man's picture on it. Iron Man just sadly sighs.

"No, ever since my liver exploded this new thing prevents me from getting drunk. It's just not the same." Iron Man said of his painful existence without his one love. "I'll have a large coke instead."

Spider-man and Deadpool hear his story and they're trying to hold back their laughter.

"Could you-" Spider-man snickered "hold on for a second.

Spider-man and Deadpool lower themselves to where Iron Man can't see them behind the counter. They then both start laughing hysterically.

"First his liver goes BOOM!" laughed Spider-man.

"Now he can't-" Deadpool makes glugging noises "without feeling sober!"

They continue to laugh hysterically which begins to piss Iron Man off.

"WILL YOU 2 JUST GIVE ME MY FUCKING SODA!" demanded Iron Man.

They both stop laughing and stand up.

"Okay, I'll go get it for you." said Deadpool as he filled the cup at the soda fountain. "We're out of ice, I have to go get some from the back."

Deadpool goes to the back but instead of going to the freezer for ice, he goes to the bathroom and scoops some ice from the urinal. He then goes back to the counter and gives Iron Man his drink.

"That'll be 1.65." said Spider-man as Iron Man paid for his drink. The Silver Surfer then comes into the store by phasing through the wall.

"Hey Surfer." Deadpool greeted his friend. "What's on Galactus' list today?"

"His royal fatass desires moon pie, rice krispy treats, nachos, tombstone pizza, snickers, hagen-daz, and twinkies." Silver Surfer explained as he got the stuff he needed while Spider-man prepared the nachos. They then ring Surfer up.

"That all buddy?" Spider-man asked his galactic friend.

"Aren't you 2 forgetting something?" Silver Surfer questioned.

"Oh yeah!" remembered the 2 clerks as they hawked loogies into Galactus' nachos.

"Much better." said a happy Silver Surfer.

"That'll be 24.95." said Deadpool as Silver Surfer paid for his stuff and began to leave.

"Why are you friends with them?" Iron Man asked the Silver Surfer.

"They understand my pain. While they serve dozens of assholes everday, I have to bring the fattest, laziest asshole in the galaxy his food!" The Silver Surfer gets on his board to leave but before he does he scratches himself with a shelf. "Ow, damn shelves!"

The Silver Surfer flies away through the roof. Iron Man sees a piece of the Silver Surfer's skin on the floor, picks it up and studies it.

"Fascinating." said Iron Man as he examines the skin.

"Hey, you gonna stand there all day looking at a piece of skin or are you gonna drink your damn soda?" asked an annoyed Spider-man.

"I'm going, I'm going!" said an irritated Iron Man. He walks out the store and is about to drink his soda but stops himself and sighs.

"It's just not the same." said Iron Man. Instead of throwing the soda away, he sees a kid in front of him. "Hey kid, you want a free soda?" Iron Man asked, offering his dirty soda.

**Disclaimer: As always, I don't own any of the characters mentioned in the story, Marvel does.**


	2. Chapter 2

Iron Man is sitting down on a chair in his room at the Avenger's mansion studying the Silver Surfer's skin.

"So this is the Silver Surfer's skin. I wonder what flying through space, stars, nebulas, and all that other galactic stuff can do to your skin?" questioned Iron Man.

Iron Man sniffs the skin.

"Hmm, smells sweet." Iron Man puts the skin piece in his mouth. "It's sweet, ooooo it's melting in my mou...

Iron Man dazes out and the next thing he knows, he's flying through space.

_Drive it on up and let's cruise a while  
Leave 'em very far behind _

_You can hedge your bet on a clean corvette  
To get you there right on time _

Iron Man sees Earth and he flies towards it but instead of landing in New York, he ends up landing in a garden where the trees are whiskey bottles and the river flows of beer. Iron Man is acting like a kid in a candy store, not knowing where to begin.

_Now if you're ready to dive into overdrive  
Baby the green lights are on  
It's like you're runnin away on some high octane  
Every time she reached the boulevard  
_

_Won't you take a ride, ride, ride  
On heavy metal  
It's the only way that you can travel  
Down that road  
Satisfied, fied, fied  
On heavy metal  
Baby won't you ride  
Ride it until it explodes  
Heavy Metal  
_

Iron Man sees a giant tree with beer cans on it's branches in the center of the garden. He walks towards it and sees a knife near the tree. He picks up the knife and out of instinct, stabs the tree but instead of sap coming out, beer comes out and lands on the grass. Out of the grass sprouts a beer bottle, he picks it up and sniffs it to find out it's real beer. He then takes more beer from the tree and rubs it over his heart and liver area and they miraculously heal. Iron Man's now in hysterics.

"Yoo-hoo!" Iron Man hears a female voice.

_My oh my how this lady can fly  
Once she starts rollin' to leave you  
You know you just can't lose the way she moves  
You wait for her to finally release you  
It's not a big surprise to feel your temperature rise  
You've gotta get your redline fever  
'Cause there is just on cure that they know for sure  
You just become a heavy metal believer _

Iron Man turns around to see a 7 beautiful women in string bikinis. A loud clank is heard throughout the garden. The skies open up to reveal a huge beer bottle with arms and legs.

"I see you're enticed by my beautiful garden of beerden and my daughter's rocking hot boobies." said the Beer God.

_Won't you take a ride, ride, ride  
On heavy metal  
It's the only way that you can travel  
Down that road  
Satisfied, fied, fied  
On heavy metal  
Baby won't you ride  
Ride it until it explodes  
Heavy Metal  
_

"You're damn right!" yelled Iron Man happily.

"Then go and bathe with my daughters and appease me by getting drunk and lathering their boobs in beer." commanded the Beer God.

_Heavy Metal _

The Beer God's daughters start to take off their bikini tops and squeeze their boobs to have beer squirt out onto Iron Man. They then strip completly naked and dive into the beer lake.

_Heavy Metal _

"Yes, yes," Iron Man drops to his knees and raises his arms in the air. "YEEEEEESSSSSSSSS!"

Iron Man stands up and starts to remove his armor.

"Tony, Tony..." Iron Man hears an echo.

That's because in the real world, Iron Man's on the street with the top of his armor off and the bottom half around his ankles and he's being shaken by War Machine and wakes up.

"W-War Machine, where am I?" Iron Man asks, then stands up and looks around frantically. "Whe're the whiskey trees and, and the river of booze and the Beer God's daughters?"

"Beer God's daughter's? War Machine questioned. "Tony, you flew out your window, started walking around Central Park taking off your armor, and you nearly exposed yourself to a kindergarden class!

Iron Man turns around to see a kindergarden class staring at him, along with Deadpool.

"Deadpool, what're you doing here?" questioned Iron Man.

"My nephew goes to this school and I had to pick him up." said Deadpool. "What're you doing with your pants down."

"Um, uh..." stammered Iron Man. "Kids, don't do drugs and er, always wear a belt. Get me out of here War Machine."

Iron Man's limo comes and he and War Machine get in and drive off. Iron Man starts putting his armor back on and thinking.

_"That place was paradise."_ thought Iron Man. "_But how did I get ther...Oh my God, the Silver Surfer's skin!"  
_

**SONG USED: Heavy Metal by Don Felder**.


	3. Chapter 3

**LATER AT THE AVENGER'S MANSION**

Iron Man is holding a meeting with his fellow Avengers, which include his best friend War Machine, The Wasp, Hawkeye, Spider-woman, She-Hulk, Ms. Marvel, Giant Man, and the Sentry.

"My fellow Avengers, as your leader I suggest we allow a new member into our team, the Silver Surfer." announced Iron Man.

"Are you crazy!?" yelled Spider-woman.

"What's wrong?" questioned Iron Man.

"That guy's an asshole." said Ms. Marvel. "Everytime we see him he's always trying to steal our food or the food we're trying to give away."

"Plus, whenever we ask him about it he just tells us to go fuck ourselves." said Spider-woman.

"W-Well that doesn't matter because I'm your leader and you guys have to do what I tell you." stammered Iron Man.

"That may be true," said War Machine "but the last time the Surfer left Galactus' presence, his stomach growls and moaning of the word hunger could be heard throughout the Earth.

"Well..." Iron Man thought for a moment, "Would any of you argue against having a dinner for him in his honor?"

"Hmmmm...no." the Avengers quickly answered in unison.

...

**ELSEWHERE IN SPACE**

Silver Surfer is in Galactus' fortress, in front of a giant t.v.

"Turn on the t.v. herald, you know Galactus can not go on without Oprah." the former force of nature now turned Universal fat-ass commanded.

"Can't see how, you pretty much are Oprah you fat fuck!" muttered Silver Surfer as he turned on the t.v.

"What was that you said?"

"Nothing." Silver Surfer said. A cell phone is then heard ringing. "Just a minute."

Silver Surfer takes the cell phone out of his surf board and answers. "Hello."

"Hey Surfer." Iron Man said on the other line. "I just wanted to let you know that tonight we're having a dinner in your honor."

"That's nice Iron Man but I'm gonna have to tell you to fuck off." the Surfer calmly, yet rudely answered.

"What! Why?" Iron Man questioned sadly.

"Because your goodie little 2-shoe Avengers won't leave me alone about the missing food from the "Lobsters and Steak for Africa" drive." the disgruntled surfer of the galaxy explained.

"B-But there's a feast just for you." Iron Man tried to convince him."There's pot roast."

"What the fuck am I gonna do with pot roast?" the Surfer yelled loud enough to catch Galactus' attention.

"WAIT! What is this I hear about pot roast?"

"Put me on speaker phone." Iron Man demanded and Silver Surfer did so.

"Yes Galactus, pot roast just for your hearald. There's also lobster, pasta, salmon, turkey,duck, and also baked potatoes, mushrooms, garlic bread, and a whole plate of actual tacos." Hearing of this feast fit for kings (or one of those fat kids you see on Maury) makes Galactus drool.

"Go my herald! The hunger of Galactus has returned!"

"You just ate an hour ago!" Silver Surfer tried to install some sense into his master. His only reply was Galactus grabbing the Silver Surfer and holding him up to his face.

"Do not question me, for if Galactus does not get the feast promised to his herald, you my Silver Surfer shall become his meal." threatend Galactus.

"Then you'd have to find another herald." the Surfer always knew better.

"True, well bring me the feast or suffer through a marathon of "Hannah Montana" and "The Wizards of Waverly Place." this threat actually scares the Silver Surfer.

"I'll get going." the Silver Surfer flies to Earth.

"Heh-heh, that threat works all the time." said Galactus.

**Disclaimer: I still own nothing.**


	4. Chapter 4

**At the Avenger's Mansion**

All the Avenger's are standing around, having drinks, and socializing. All except for a fidgeting Iron Man.

"Where is he, where is he, where is he?" Iron Man repeated.

Silver Surfer phases through the roof and lands on the floor. He then stands his surfboard against the wall.

"Surfer, you're here!" Iron Man yelled happily. "Come on first..."

"Yeah, yeah get out of the fucking way." Silver Surfer pushed Iron Man aside and walks towards the food table.

"Hi, go fuck yourself, kiss my shiney silver ass, fuck you, here's what I came for." the Silver Surfer said to the Avengers as he made his way to the food table. He grabs the edges of the table cloth and wraps all the food together in a large make-shift sack. He then walks back to his to his surfboard while Iron Man follows.

"W-W-Wait, whe're you going?" Iron Man asked frantically.

"Gotta get back to the devourer of taco bell before he gives me hell." said the Surfer as he grabbed his board and turned to leave. However, Iron Man jumps infront of him with his arms stretched out.

"WAIT! You can't leave without giving me a BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIG hug.

"Iron Man, first of all I'm not gay." said the Silver Surfer. "Second, even if I was, I can't have sex.

**FLASHBACK**

Silver Surfer is in bed with Sue Storm, the Invisible Woman of the Fantastic Four, and they're both looking under the covers bewildered.

"Sooooo...where is it?" Sue asked the Silver Surfer.

"I-I'm not sure. I guess eiether the Silver coating over my body stops it from coming out or Galactus removed my genitals."

"I think it's the latter." replied Sue dissapointed.

"Oh damn it." said a depressed Surfer.

Seeing that the Surfer's problem with women is really hurting him, Sue rubs his shoulder.

"It's okay." Sue went for the phone. "I'll just call namor."

"NAMOR!" yelled the Surfer. "You're gonna fuck that tuna smelling speedo king?

"At least he can get it up."

"B-B-But I can give you oral sex," stammered the Surfer desperately. "I have fingers, we can dry hump!"

"Surfer if I wanted a lesbian experience I'd call Wonder Woman or Elektra." said the Invisible Woman coldly. This angers the Silver Surfer and he gets off the bed and walks away.

"Fine, I hope your husband finds out why you smell of tuna you filthy whore!"

**END FLASHBACK**

The Silver Surfer has his head down looking depressed.

"Come on, a hug'll make you feel better." Iron Man persuaded the Surfer.

"Fine but don't expect a hug back I have my hands full." said the Silver Surfer as Iron Man gives him the desired hug. While Iron Man is hugging the Surfer, the Surfer winces.

"What was that?" asked the Silver Surfer.

"Mosquitoe." Iron Man quickly replied.

"But mosquitoes can't pierce my skin." the Surfer said but shrugged it off. "Meh doesn't matter, now let go."

Iron Man lets go of the Surfer and the Surfer flies off, without noticing that Iron Man has his hands behind his back.

"Well, time for me to hit the sack." yawned Iron Man.

"It's 8:00pm." responded War Machine, looking at his watch.

"FUCK YOU!" yelled Iron Man as he ran towards his room holding the 2 things he had behind his back, a combat knife and a piece of the Surfer's skin, an even bigger piece than last time.

**THE NEXT DAY, AT THE MARVEL QUICK-STOP**

Spider-man and Deadpool are behind the counter watching t.v.

" In the case of 6 month-old Jerimiah, YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!" said the familiar sounding t.v host.

"You owe me a dollar." Spider-man pointed out to his best friend.

"I just thought that kid was a black albino." replied Deadpool as he paid for his bet.

Spider-woman and War Machine come into the store.

"What do you want?" asked Spider-man indifferently.

"Have you seen Iron Man?" asked Spider-woman. "He won't answer his cell and his door has a securtiy lock on it so we don't know if he's there.

"I don't know where he is." said Spider-man.

"And I don't care." said Deadpool.

**A/N: Where is Iron Man? And don't you just feel sorry for the Silver Surfer?**


	5. Chapter 5

Iron Man is flying through the Garden of Beerden.

_Head bangers in leather  
Sparks flyin in the dead of the night  
It all comes together  
When they turn out the lights _

His flying through the alcoholics paradise, he sees the Beer God's daughters tied to trees, being shocked with caddle-progs by any alcoholics worst enemy, giant Bibles.

_50,000 wats of power  
And it's pushin' overload  
The beast is ready to devour  
All the metal they can hold _

This pisses him off more than anything, so he decides to fly down and lands behind the Bibles, who turn to face him.

_Rockin' overload  
Start to explode _

"You are powerless to stop us or your alcoholism." the lead Bible said, trying to dissaude Iron Man away.

_It's your one way ticket to midnight  
Call it Heavy Metal  
_

Iron Man's only reply to the Bibles was a missle that destroyed all 3 of them. The Beer God's daughters look at their savior and smile seductively. A minute later, he has all 7 of them on his shoulders, flying away.

_Higher than high, feelin' just right  
Call it Heavy Metal  
Desperation on a red line  
Call it Heavy Metal noise _

**In the Real World however...**

The Avengers are burning off the hindges of Iron Man's door. They finally open it and begin to enter it.

"Tony, if you're here we need to..." Spider-woman began but her eyes then went wide. "OH MY GOD!

All the Avenger's all gasp when they see Iron Man naked, with his armored pants around his ankles and his arms in 180 degree angle, pretending to fly.

"Woosh, woosh, weeeeee, look at me I'm free and I'm drunk!" Iron Man happily babbled.

"Oh my God, he's hallucinating and..." Spider-woman noticed Iron Man walking to his window and making a very naughty gesture. "Oh my God,is he masturbating in front of that window?"

"Wait, the're kids in the backyard playing." Ms. Marvel reminded everyone.

"TONY!" all the Avenger's yelled as they tackled him to the ground.

**Later at the Marvel Quick Stop**

Spider-woman stomps into the store and slams the Silver Surfer's skin piece on the counter.

"What the hell is this crap!?" she yelled.

"Unless you have a reciept, we don't know or care." Deadpool said. They only reply they got was Spider-woman grabbing their necks and bringing them to her face.

"Listen to me assholes, because of this shit, Iron Man's been hallucinating, taking off his clothes wherever he is, and we nearly got sued for sexual indecency!"

"**ACK,** we don't know!" gagged Deadpool.

"All we know is that it came from the Silver Surfer, it must've happend when he scratched himself." Spider-man gasped.

"Silver Surfer...motherfucker." Spider-woman said, forgetting that she still had her hands around the store clerk heroes necks.

"Can't breath." Deadpool gasped.

"Life...flashing...before eyes...very boring." Spider-man said.

**Back at the Avenger's Mansion**

The Silver Surfer's being interrogated by Spider-woman, Ms. Marvel, and War Machine. It's obvious that Silver Surfer's bored.

"You ASSHOLE, do you know what you've done!?" Spider-woman yelled.

"No...and I don't care." The Surfer said indifferently.

"Because of your fucking skin, my boyfriend's been running around hallucinating that he's in beer land and getting naked at the wrong places at the wrong time!" Spider-woman yelled again.

"Okay, since when has it been my faul that your depressed drunk of a boyfriend likes to get high off my skin?" Silver Surfer defended himself. "Also, isn't he all of the Marvel women's boyfriend...or at least their baby's daddy?"

Ms. Marvel just sighs. "This is worse then the missing lobsters for Africa scandal."

"Hey now, you have no proof that was me." Silver Surfer defended himself.

"Besides the fact that you were seen flying next to our plane with a crate of cooked lobsters." War Machine replied.

Iron Man walks into the room. "Surfer, I'm dissapointed in you, I though you'd take some responsibility. Henceforth, I never want to see you again unless it's an emergency."

Iron Man outstretches his hand to the Surfer for a handshake but the Surfer just stares at it. "I can see the scalpel in your hand."

Iron Man just stands frozen, knowing that he's been caught. Iron Man then decides to jump the Silver Surfer to get his high but he's tackled to the ground by the 3 Avengers in the room. Iron Man pathetically stretches him arm out towards the Surfer, while the Surfer taunts Iron Man to come and get him.

"No it's mine, MINE!" Iron Man yells. Silver Surfer just grabs the plate of donuts on the coffee table and flies away.

"Come back," Iron Man cried out as the tears fell down his helmet. "My precious!"

**Disclaimer: I don't know how often I have to write this message down, but I don't own any of the characters in the story.**

**Song used: Heavy Metal by Sammy Hagar.**


	6. Chapter 6

**ELSEWHERE**

Spider-man and Deadpool are in their apartment, examining the Surfer's skin piece that Spider-woman left behind at the store.

"So this' what made Iron Butt take his clothes off in front of my nephew's school." Deadpool said.

"Yeah..." Spider-man replied. "Maybe you should try it."

"You try it."

"No way dude." replied Spider-man.

"What're you, a pussy?"

"No, it's just that..." Spider-man thought about his answer for a second. "Oh fuck it!"

Spider-man puts the skin piece in his mouth, but he then begins to daze out while Deadpool waves his hand in his face.

"Spidey, is it working?" Deadpool got no answer. "Spidey, Spidey, Spidey..."

Spider-man is all ready dazed out. The next thing he knows, he's flying through the sky with little explosions in the backround. While he's flying, a Harley-Davidson motor cycle comes out of nowhere and he gets on it. He drives his new motorcycle down to Earth and starts flying through a desert. He then sees the figure of his dream, the Black Cat. His eyes bug-out, he gets off the bike, and walks towards her and falls on his knees.

"Black Cat, you're the one I've always wanted." He says to his goddess and he starts to rub his face against her thigh. She just looks down at him and smirks. They're both riding on the bike, driving down the desert and Black Cat is driving the motorcycle. She doesn't notice, and probably doesn't care, that Spider-man is behind her, fondling her boobs. They then reach their destination, a palace that looks like it's made out of concrete breasts. They then walk in and are surrounded by demons and cartoon characters drinking and fighting. While all this is happening around Spider-man, he's fixated on Black Cat's ass. They then reach the leader of the land, the Kool-aid man, on his throne.

"I see you're enticed by our champion's awesome T&A." said the Kool-Aid man.

"HELL YES!"

"Then go and bathe with her, and appease our God's by letting her suck you off and having lots and lots of SEX!" commanded the Kool-Aid man.

"Oh yeah!" said Spider-man.

"OH YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" yelled the Kool Aid man.

Spider-man & Black Cat walk to a bath house and Black Cat takes off her costume, and walks into the water. Spider-man, so hysterical at the moment, just dives in and swims towards his prize.

"Spidey, Spidey..." Spider-man hears an echo. That's because in the real world, Spider-man's in a wet area, being shaken by Deadpool.

"Dea-Deadpool, where am I?" asked the wall-crawler.

"You're in the zoo, you were trying to make a crocodile give you head." Spider-man sees a crocodile staring at him scared, along with everyone else at the zoo.

"Um...I have to go now." Spider-man stands up and leaves.

"My God, the Silver Surfer's skin makes people hallucinate their wildest fantasies. There's only thing I must do!

**The Next Day, in front of the Marvel Quick Stop**

Deadpool is outside the store, with a tent and a sign that says "SILVER HAZE".

"Hurry, hurry, hurry, step right up and live out your wildest fantasies!" said Deadpool as a traveling salesmen would. "With this new, um, formula, you'll go to places no one but yourself has ever imagined."

"Isn't formula another word for drugs?" asked Green Arrow. "And aren't drugs illegal?"

"Now why would something that makes you happy be illegal?" Deadpool asked rhetorically. "Also with Silver Haze, if you can't fly, you will, if you're ugly women will want you, you'll feel no pain only pleasure, it's your fantasy."

"Where does Silver Haze come from?" asked the Thing.

Deadpool removes the cover of the tent to reveal the Silver Surfer strapped on his stomach to a bed, while a machine uses knives to scrape the skin from his back. All the spectators can see that he's in obvious pain.

"From our good friend the Silver Surfer." said Deadpool the salesmen.

"Kill me." the Silver Surfer muttered pathetically.

"So for only 10 an ounce, you can live out your happiest dreams." after Deadpool said this, Iron Man pushes everyone aside and drops a wad of cash on the table.

"GIVE ME A POUND!"

"Well, first customer." Deadpool gave Iron Man his skin and the happy drunk turned around to face Spider-woman.

"Tony, you told the Avenger's you'd go to rehab!"

"Don't knock it till you've tried it bitch!" Iron Man yelled as he walked away. Spider-woman just shrugs her shoulders.

"In that case, give me an ounce."

"Hey, I was hear first." said the Thing.

"No I was!" protested She-Hulk.

"Hey, I wanna try some." said Blade.

"Doom deserves to live out his fantasies!"

"Now settle down, there's enough for the whole world." said Deadpool much to Silver Surfer's dismay.

"Kill me!"


	7. Chapter 7

**Later**

Deadpool is inside the store, counting money and watching t.v.

"In other news, the unstoppable Juggernaut was apprehended today by the hulk-busters for the rape and second-degree murder of Jubilation Lee, a.k.a Jubilee." the news castor said.

"I swear, I thought those were screams of pleasure!" the Juggernaut screamed as he was being pushed into a swat car. Deadpool couldn't do anything but laugh at the pathetic sight.

"Deadpool." said an unseen, female voice.

"Who's there?" Deadpool asked, looking around.

"Up here."

Deadpool looks up to see the Black Cat clinging to the roof. She then let's go and lands on the floor, in front of the counter.

"Oh, hey there Black Pussy, how can I help you?" Deadpool asked as kindly as he could.

"First off, where's Spider-man?" she asks.

"Down there." Deadpool pointed underneath himself.

Black Cat looks down to see Spider-man with his shirt off, rubbing himself.

"Hmmmm, Black Cat." Spider-man muttered in exstacy.

"Is he..." she began.

"No, no, he's just fantasizing about petting little kitties." Deadpool tried to defend his friend but Black Cat just looked at him disbelievingly. "Okay so he's fantasizing about eating your pussy, you should be grateful."

"That doesn't matter, what matters is are you a little worried about this whole drug craze?" she asked.

"If it makes people happy then who am I to judge them." Deadpool responded.

"Well, what if they become addicted?" she asked sternly.

"Well then, who am I to deny them service."

"You deny people service when they want to buy food." she countered.

"Your point?"

Knowing the type of person Deadpool was, Black Cat came to one single conclusion. "You're not going to take responsibility for this at all, are you?"

"What responsibility?" he questioned in defense. "Everyone's happy and I'm making tons of money. The latter is more important."

"Everyone's happy, even the Silver Surfer?" Black Cat questioned.

"He's fine."

"God damn it, eiether kill me or get me off this damn thing!" Silver Surfer yelled from across the store, still strapped to the gurney and still having his skin scraped off.

"See, perfectly fine." Deadpool said calmly, as Black Cat looked in shock as the Silver Surfer is being tortured. But the scene is ruined once Deadpool's cellphone rings. "Hello?"

"I'm in the store, do you know where I am?" the metallic voice asked.

"Ghostface you're behind the fucking twinkie rack!" Deadpool yelled at his phone.

"How do you know that?" Ghostface asked nervously, knowing that his hiding place wasn't hiding anything.

"It's a rack dumbass!" After Deadpool yelled this, Ghostface comes out of his hiding place with his head hanged low.

"You guys aren't scared, even a little bit?"

"Dickhead, after 3 movies you've lost whatever originality or scaryness you ever had. Jason Vorhees is scarier drinking a cup of coffee." Deadpool yelled, but he takes a look out the window, screams, and hides behind Black Cat, shivering.

"Close the shutters!" he demanded.

"Why?" Black Cat asked.

"It's scary out there." Black Cat walks to the window, and she sees Jason Vorhees drinking coffee. He waves politely at her and she waves back smiling and closes the shutters.

"It's gone." she said reassuringly. Deadpool stops shivering and straightens himself up.

"As for you," Deadpool pointed at Ghostface."get out and get a day job."

"I do..." Ghostface said assertively and took out a plate of bagels."You guys want some bagels."

Deadpool smacks the bagels out of Ghostface's hands. "Now get out! Oh, wait a minute." Deadpool pants Ghostface to reveal that he's wearing pink, unicorn covered boxers. "Now march."

Ghostface leaves the store with his shoulders slumped. Once he's out, Jason comes up to Ghostface and puts his arm around him reassuringly.

"Wasn't that a little mean, even for you?" Black Cat asked in Ghostface's defense.

"What, the first time that asshole called he got me out of the shower 7 times, 7 TIMES!" Deadpool explained.

"I probably would've bought a bagel." said Black Cat.


	8. Chapter 8

**Back at the Avenger's Mansion**

Iron Man is in his room with his silver haze.

"It's go time." Iron Man said happily as he eats his haze with his eyes closed, knowing what was about to happen.

"I'm here lad...aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!" Iron Man screamed once he opened his eyes. To his horror, the Garden of Beerden's lakes and rivers have been drained of booze, the beer cans have been removed from the ground, and the whiskey bottle trees have been destroyed. Seeing his utopia destroyed, Iron Man falls to his knees. "My God, why have you forsaken me?"

Once he said this, the sky opens up to reveal the Beer God. "I couldn't stop them, they came and destroyed everything."

"Who?"

"The Betty Ford Center." the Beer God pointed to the Betty Ford Center, every alcoholic's worse enemy, in the center of the garden, with celebrating Bibles and Dick Cheney.

"Why's Dick Cheney here?" Iron Man asked curiously.

"He tried to shoot some birds we had here but instead he shot my daughters and destroyed the trees." the Beer God explained.

"You mean your big breasted, firm assed, beer squirting children are all dead?" Iron Man asked scared.

"Not all my children, my sons are here." The Beer God pointed to 7 muscular, greased up, speedo men.

"Can you guys squirt beer from any part of your bodies?" Iron Man asked desperately.

"No." replied one son.

"But we're gay, really, really gay." another son continued.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Iron Man screamed to the high heavens and looked around frantically. "There's gotta be some booze around here somewhere."

He runs frantically to the tree of life, stabs it, and starts to drink the oozing beer without stopping.

"No Tony, non must drink from the tree of life!" the Beer God yelled from the heavens.

But it's too late. Iron Man's legs start to turn into glass and his screams are silenced when he turns into a fetus in a bottle of bud light. Back in the real world, Iron Man wakes up from his hallucination and he flys through his window screaming.

**Back at the Marvel Quick Stop.**

Spider-man stands up from behind the counter next to Deadpool.

"Dude, I need one more hit." Spider-man said groggily.

"All right but this' your last freebie." explained Deadpool as he gives Spidey his hit. Spider-man eats his hit and he dazes out. Instead of waking up in his usual spot with Black Cat, he's in an apartment, sitting down in a chair.

"This' new. Oh well, maybe we're going to have normal sex in a bed this time." Once Spider-man says this however, the door is busted down and in comes a very pissed off Mary-Jane Watson.

"M-M-Mary-Jane, what're you doing he." Spider-man jumped in his seat. Spider-man's only reply was a slap to the face.

"You bastard, how do you explain this!?" Mary-Jane yelled as she slammed pictures of Spider-man with his head in-between Spider-woman's legs.

"Um, um, that wasn't you in a Spider-woman costume?"

"No dumbass!" Mary-Jane yelled. "That's it, I've had it with your lazy ass, and your pathetic excuse for a costume, and more importantly, YOU'RE FUCKING POOR!"

"W-W-What're you saying?" Spidey studdered.

"W-W-What I'm saying" M.J. mimicked Spider-man," I found someone better, bigger, and rich as hell, therefore..."

She pushes some papers into his face. "D-Divorce." Spider-man whimpered.

"That's right pussy, as of now this apartment is mine, and you'll owe me 500 a month!"

"B-B-But..."

"Don't you but me cockboy!" M.J. countered. "You have until tomorrow to clear out,I've got to meet with my new boy toy."

Once she says this, she opens the door to reveal Venom. She hugs him and he grabs her ass, all the while Spider-man's crying.

"How could you?" Spider-man cried.

"Because I'm bigger than you and you still owe me 500 million out of the 7 billion you owe me." explained Venom as he held onto Spidey's soon-to-be ex-wife.

"But M.J., I love you." Spider-man said pathetically.

"And I love your soon-to-be ex-wife's pussy." said Venom as he started to point at the furniture. "Especially in your bed, your kitchen, your bathroom, your sofa, and that chair your sitting in. Once Venom says this, Spider-man jumped off the chair, fearing the love germs.

"Come on babe, let's go have sex in the car." suggested Venom as he carried M.J bridle style and she squeal in delight.

"But that's my mustang." protested Spider-man.

"Not anymore little-dick." Mary-Jane said as she was carried away and the door shuts as Spider-man runs to it in an attempt to get to his, now, ex-wife.

"Come back!" he cried. Spider-man turns around crying, and he sees a green woman who's face is hidden by the shadows and she's taller than him. He knows who it is and he let's out a terrified scream.

**Back in the Real World.**

Spider-man's in the fetal position, shaking and crying. Deadpool and Black Cat are worriedly watching Spider-man become an even more pathetic sight then he allready is.

"What's wrong with him?" Black Cat asked worried.

"I think he's having a bad trip." Deadpool said concerned.

"So the haze does have side effects." Black Cat pointed out to Deadpool in a I-told-you-so tone.

"No it doesn't." Silver Surfer came up to them, finally freed from the device that was skinnig him. "The skin only gives out happy feeling because I come from a planet full of no drug hippies. I made the fuckers who tried my skin to have bad trips to teach them not to piss me off!"

"So they're like Spidey over there?" Deadpool asked.

"Not exactly." said Silver Surfer. All 3 of the heroes in the store all hear an explosion outside the store and they all go to the window to see the outside carnage. Hulk's running into buildings, tearing them in half. War Machines shooting at everything, Superman's flying into buildings, Wolverine's beating Professor Xavier with his own wheelchair, Emma Frost and Electra are making out, and many heroes are coming realizations.

"My wife's a filthy whore!" Mr. Fantastic yelled.

"Oh my god, that's what my music sounds like." Kevin Federline said before his head exploded.

On a corner of the street, Ghostrider and Venom are looking at the chaos.

"So why aren't you going nuts?" Venom asked.

"The haze doesn't work on me, it always melts before it enters my system." Ghost Rider explained. "What about you?"

"I gave mine to the kid with the heart problem." Venom pointed to a young boy having a heart attack and starts to laugh. "He's gonna die."

Venom's joy is ended once Ghost Rider punches him in the gut. Back inside the store, Deadpool and Black Cat are looking at the chaos while Silver Surfer looks on indifferently.

"Shouldn't you stop?" Black Cat asked scared.

"In a minute." responded Silver Surfer. Outside the Blob clutches his chest and falls to the ground. The whole city is shaken, literally, and all the heroes are thrown into the air and the hallucinations are forcefully ended.


	9. Chapter 9

**The Next Day at the Court House**

Deadpool and Silver Surfer are both on trial with the whole town in attendance. And the towns people aren't happy, with yells of "Hang them!", "Burn them!", and "Fry them!". Silver Surfer is on the stand.

"Mr. Surfer," the judge began,"you've been charged with causing mass hysteria across the city, how do you plead?"

"Not guilty dude." once the Surfer said this, the towns people all boo and start throwing garbage at the stand but it all hits Deadpool.

"Hey, watch where you're aiming!" yelled Deadpool and he got knocked out by a rock.

"Well you don't have a lawyer with you, so I suggest you to defend the evidence against you." the judge said.

"I will." the Silver Surfer began. "You can't blame me because the truth is that you all took my skin because you all couldn't face reality. The reality that no matter what you all do, life will always suck and you all wanted an escape. Whether it was an escape from your crummy jobs, the fact that you can't be a superhero anymore, or that you have no balls..."

Spider-man hears the last part and he looks down at his feet.

"...or the fact that you're a filthy drunk who can't enjoy his pleasures anymore..."

Iron Man bows his head in shame.

"...or the fact that most people are afraid to sleep with you."

She-Hulk hears this, she looks around confused and points to herself in question.

"Yes you She-Hulk, let the man be on top for once, bitch!" yelled Silver Surfer. "The point is no matter what you do, in the end you can't just escape reality, you have to take it as it is. I learned that as soon as someone introduced junk food to Galactus." After the Silver Surfer's speech everyone in the courtroom just sat down stunned.

"Well Mr. Surfer, you're the first person I've ever heard to bring up personnal responsibility in court." the judge said amazed. "Therefore, in causing the mass hysteria I find you not guilty, however you and Deadpool both sold the drug and you, yourself said you caused the mass hysteria in retaliation, I sentence you both to community service."

"Okay." the Silver Surfer said not caring.

"I got nothing to complain about." Deadpool said. "Can I be let out of these cuffs now?"

"Now, about the missing rice to Africa..." the judge began, looking over some papers.

"Oh no, you can not blame that on me, Galactus hates healthy food." the Silver Surfer defended himself.

"I know," the judge said, "the witnesses said that the culprit was 6'3, completely black, white eyes, razor-sharp teeth, and had a 2-3 ft tounge."

Everyone in the courtroom look at Venom, who's eating a bowl of rice.

"WHAT!?" Venom questioned, feeling threatend. "You can't pin this on me, you're all crazy, crazy I say!"

Carnage comes into the courtroom, with a group of African children who're holding flamethrowers.

"There's the man who stole your rice children." Carnage pointed at Venom. "Get'em!"

"Aaaah!" Venom screamed and ran as the African kids chase him. Venom climbs up a podium and the kids start shooting flames at him.

"No, bad niggers, bad niggers!" Venom yelled to the kids, barely dodging the flames.

Spider-man, Deadpool, Black Cat, Silver Surfer, and Iron Man all walk out of the courthouse.

"You know Silver Surfer, thanks to you I think I'm gonna make some changes in my life." Iron Man said proudly.

"Whatever." Silver Surfer muttered, not caring.

"No really, from now on, I'm not going to alter my reality just to enjoy li-"

"DAMN IT IRON DICK I DON'T CARE!" Silver Surfer yelled, still feeling hostile towards Iron Man for using him.

"Fine." Iron Man muttered, but saw something that made him perk up. "Oooo, daisies." Iron Man skipped towards the daisy field.

"And I'm going to change something too." Spider-man said and turned to Black Cat. "You want to go out some time?"

"Sure."

"So Surfer, we cool?" Deadpool asked, not wishing to lose one of his only friends.

"Just give me some free twinkees and we'll be fine." the Surfer said, being more forgiving towards Deadpool.

"Aaaah, look at that you guys..." Deadpool pointed at Iron Man, sniffing daisies. "he's getting high on life."

Even though the sight was something out of an old disney movie, things start to get strange when he starts sniffing more and more flowers.

"He's getting really high on life." Spider-man said disturbed. Iron Man starts to grab flowers by the hand full and sniffing them.

"He's getting wasted on life." Black Cat said shocked. Iron Man starts to foam at the mouth and falls to his side. War Machine comes out and slaps himself in the face.

"Oh crap."

In Iron Man's daisy hallucination, he's dancing in a black muscle car with the Beer God riding shotgun.

_It's your one way ticket to midnight  
Call it Heavy Metal  
_

"Now my friend, drink, drink and drive, there's enough beer in me to last you 1000 lifetimes!" the Beer God began to pour beer from his mouth into Iron Man's mouth.

_Higher than high, feelin' just right  
Call it Heavy Metal  
Desperation on a red line_

Iron Man starts driving through space drunk, crashing into planets destroying them in the process.

"I'M SO HAPPPPPPPPYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" Iron Man yelled as he drove into a wormhole which turns into a mixture of the color of beer when Iron Man barfs in it.

_Call it Heavy Metal_

**A/N: there'll be an epilouge so stay tuned. **

**Song used: Heavy Metal by Sammy Hagar.**


	10. Epilouge

**A Few Days Later at the Cemetary.**

"Okay, I know why me and Silver Surfer are here but why're you 2 here?" Deadpool asked Spider-man and Iron Man.

"While I was on the haze I humped the window at the Marvel Shop without any clothes on and a bunch of catholic school kids were staring." Spider-man said ashamed.

"Then why's Iron Drunk here?" Silver Surfer asked.

"While I was high on life, I exposed myself to that kindergarden class." Iron Man replied.

"Well now it's time for our punishment..." Deadpool said scared, all 4 of them look down at their punishment, a giant casket. "Carry the Blob's casket to his grave."

"That's 1/2 a mile away!" Iron Man said worried.

"It can't be that hard with our superstrength." Spider-man said optimistically but when the 4 of them try to lift the casket, they realize it's too heavy.

"It won't budge." Silver Surfer said.

"Oh well, we'll have to push it." Deadpool said and all 4 heroes grabbed a side of the casket. "1, 2, 3 push!"

They push with all their might and are able to move the casket...1 inch.

"1, 2, 3 push!"

They pushed it another inch.

"1, 2, 3 PUSH!" As the 4 men in community service kept trying to push the casket towards it's destination, all the attendents of the funeral are waiting boredly. So's the priest.

"Well, ashes to ashes dust to dust, may he rest in peace." the priest said as he closed his bible. "Now, on to the reception area where there'll be drinks, coffee, and a buffet." All the attendents cheer at the idea of free food and head to the reception area.

"Wait, you're not gonna help us?" Spider-man pleaded desperately.

"Dude, buffet." Ghost Rider replied calmly and leaves with everyone else. The 4 heroes with the casket stand stunned in the middle of the cementary.

"Well come on guys, 1, 2, 3 push!" Deadpool commanded and they keep pushing without stopping for 3 days and nights, no rest, no food. When they finally reach their destination, they all collapse, Deadpool collapses on top of the casket.

"We made it." Deadpool weezed and pats the casket. However when he does this, the casket slides down into it's grave, dragging Deadpool with it. They both come go down, with the casket falling on top of Deadpool.

"Oooooooh, I can see a bright light." Deadpool whispered painfully.

"Anybody got a crane?" Iron Man asked to no one in particular.

**THE END**

**A/N: Well that's the end of the story which I feel was my biggest accomplishment so far. I'd like to thank Captain Deadpool once again for reviewing every chapter and for doing a Beta for some of my previous stories. There'll be more so stay tuned. Though don't be expecting stories as often because I'm entering my senior year of high school. **


End file.
